April 2003

Riposte

While the businessman has written an Autobiography (he had to write it himself, no one else could bear to do it) My life story has instead been turned into a feature film (HA!)

This prestigious work of art will receive its world premiere on channel 5 at 3:30 on Tuesday afternoon.

The role of the General has been taken by that acting giant Alexis Denisof (TV'S Wesley) and starts with the revelation that the General is an elf! (Like a lord of the rings elf, not a small green thing that lives in trees like fern gully, OR YODA) We see the general meet his mentor, fellow elf Jack (played by T.V 's Richard Dean Anderson)

The story begins 30 000 years ago as the General fights the evil forces of darkness single-handed....

GIL-GALAD THE ELF KING- Look! Its the Dark lord Sauroon!
JACK- Oh no, the entire army can't defeat him!
GENERAL- Step aside
GIL-GALAD- Thank goodness (DRAMATIC MUSIC) It’s the General!!!!!

The General steps forward and faces the dark lord

SAUROON- Who are you puny yet startling attractive elf warrior?
GENERAL- I am ......(chorus of singing).........the General
SAUROON- Oh I'm terribly sorry,.....err.....Oh you know I just remembered I left the oven on in my dark tower, so silly of me....errrrrr.......I'll just flee and.........
GENERAL- NOT SO FAST!.....The ring please
SAUROON- Of course, I mean you did make it yourself, here.

He departs, leaving a Sauroon shaped blur

GIL-GALAD- The world owes you a great debt, how can we repay you
GENERAL- No fear! Saving the world and receiving your kingdom is thanks enough!
GIL-GALAD- Good wait a ............

Not long after most of the elves mysteriously left, something to do with high taxes and a new policy of hair taxing, leaving men to take over, though the General still had a role.

20 000 years later...........

GENERAL- So Pharoah, have you thought about my idea for a semi-detached garage?
PHAROAH- Yes, the pyramid shape is quite novel
GENERAL- Just remember, the measurements are in millimetres
PHAROAH- Got it

30 years later

PHAROAH- That garage was hard work
GENERAL- What?
PHAROAH- Its only just finished
GENERAL-O h no, you didn't hire Mick O'mickey's Irish builders did you
PHAROAH- ..................................................yes

And so the General actually designed the pyramids as a garage for his ford chariot, but the Pharoah was a tiny bit foolish so the General moved to Europe, Rome

GENERAL- Hail Caesar
JULIUS- Hail
GENERAL- You have a nice but very small country
JULIUS- Well you know, it’s not too bad
GENERAL- Well yes, but to the North are a race of people known as, The Frogs
JULIUS- Really?
GENERAL- Might be an idea to conquer them perhaps?
JULIUS- Great, I think my calendars clear until the Ides of March
GENERAL- It'll take a few minutes, and then you can have plenty of slaves to build this new building
JULIUS- Ahh yes the big square coliseum
GENERAL- Good, but can I suggest........make it round

And so our General travelled, and came to Britain......

KING ARTHUR (Sean Connery)- Hello General
GENERAL- Hello
ARTHUR- I was just leaving, the wife and I need a new dinner service, Lancelot says Ikea have some wonderful cups an saucers
GENERAL- Lancelot’s a poof! The best cup is the Holy Grail you know
ARTHUR- What about saucers?
GENERAL- Well he might have a point with saucers, but the Holy Grail.............
ARTHUR- Well.....okay
GENERAL- But be sure to pick the right one
ARTHUR- Its okay, my son Indiana already warned me about that one

And so time passed, the General travelled, telling the Celts that Pink face paint didn't work as well as blue, and the Vikings that horns looked cool, until 1095......

THE POPE(Ian Holm)- Hmmmmm where to go on holiday
GENERAL- Hello there, oh planning a trip
POPE- Yes I was thinking maybe Skegness, or really go to town in say Blackpool
GENERAL- Well what about Jerusalem?
POPE- Looks a bit dusty
GENERAL- Well you can take your friends
POPE- Yes, but then the entire nobility of Europe will follow, some are a bit loud
GENERAL- It'll be a fun trip for all....most everyone
POPE- Well alright then, but there had better be a pier and big dippers

And so began the crusades and the General played a key role, giving Richard the Lion heart the right road map, personally pulling Saladins hat over his eyes at the battle of Arsuf allowing Richard to win, but the Generals creative skills were stifled so he left for Italy

GENERAL- So as you can see, sailing is much better than stamp collecting
CHRIS COLUMBUS- Yes, thank you general
DA VINCI (John Rhys Davies)- Excuse me, I find your ideas and art skills fascinating, will you teach me?
GENERAL- Of course, but first I have to tell Galileo to take the lens cap off his telescope

And so was born the Renaissance, unfortunately while the General was beating the Aztecs,

Da Vinci went and put his name on all the Generals stuff and passed it off as his own. The General later removed to England and worked for a time as Shakespeare roadie until much later, while walking through France he dropped his note book, it was later found and used by a very short man called Napoleon. It all went very well until 1815 when he saw the final page read ''for final part of 'Global Conquest on a Shoestring' see volume two'' and the rest is (re-written) history.

And so came the Generals latest Idea, after getting stuck in a traffic jam he invented the railways, and of course the steam engine thus kick-starting the industrial revolution and the British Empire

In the twentieth century he kept a low profile, allowing others to take credit for his achievements,

He beat the Soviet Army into Berlin (by going in 1929) and first walked on the moon in 1952, with further trips every two years until it got too crowded in 1969.

And so retired for a while to rest in England, Where he thought it was a good idea to go to school (occasionally)

GENERAL- What a dump
BUSINESSMAN- (Harry Hill)-It is all part of my master plan
GENERAL- Excuse me, what does that have to do with......
BUSINESSMAN- HAHAHA(maniacal laughter)
GENERAL- OOOOOOKAAAAYYYYYY

There is a dark shadow, and lo, the beast arrives

GALLOWAY- Hey there (belch)

And so began the tale as we see it, the General met Pobice and created this grand old site.

Well as you can see its goanna be a good film, in the style of the Two Towers with big battles, fantastic scenery and Galloway as an entirely CG character (we couldn't find an actor willing to wear that suit)

So if you've ever wondered how the General invented the donut, or thought of putting handles on mugs in the middle ages or all the other great things like jet engines, steam ships and Dangermouse, then tune into channel 5, It'll be a nice surprise for them.

Events depicted are entirely real, despite little details like actually facts and so called historians laughing,

well they'll be laughing on the other side of their faces when they are driving and come to a cliff and try the brakes! HA! Laugh while you can, for facts are for little men, not I! I scoff at facts and little things like having any talent or the faintest idea what I'm doing HA!

generalegood@pobice.co.uk