March 2003

Businessman: The Official Biography. (£24.99)

Yes you can now pre-order my official biography a no hold bars account of my crazy roller coaster ride of a life. See how my reports numbers went down as being banned by the boss Pobice after a spat with him and not because I couldn't bloody think of anything of at least half channel 5-crap quality to write:

The arrangements for the Pobice 25th site visitor party were appalling no pies, no party poppers and no under soil heating I was angry with it but the rest of the lads couldn't be arsed. Pobice got us all gathered in a room to discuss the problems I knew I was straight away being singled out and told him straight "You were a rubbish writer a rubbish ranter and a crap site manager YOUR NOT EVEN A GOBLIN FOR F**KS SAKE YOU C***ING S**TTERING Q***T" I was immediately sent home were I ran around with a dog and looked mardy.

Strong stuff and none of it lies.... I also reveal my on chatroom spats. Like the General who had been goading me in one chat session:

I had op that day and decided to teach him a lesson I waited my moment then kicked him "Take that you t**ing d***oer", I sneered. I didn't even look up to see Pobice deop me as I knew I would be and I just walked away.

Also I reveal my incredabulous torrid addictions, which almost tore my family apart.

I remember one wild night I bet £50,000 on that Stevenage would win the F.A cup. I then bought 100kg of coke, 2567llb of heroin and 567moles of Lemsip, which I then smeared all over the upholstery of my car, and then poured meths, vodka and cherryade all over it then sniffed it all up through my betting slip in the company of ten big fat whores All this while driving down the wrong way of the M1 at 123mph. Needless to say my family were extremely annoyed and said I could have at least invited the, too.

Phew HOT! HOT! HOT! Revelations! Any moment I expect the Daily Mail to give me £500,000 for this, as it's the sort of cheap shoddy lazy journalism they lap up like the snobby crazy gits they are (allegedly)

Additionally I unravel the truth about my tremendousnessly glorious schooldays:

Mr Hadgeson told me that my Chemistry work was piss poor: the calculations were wrong, the handwriting shoddy and that whole paragraph on Lord Byron was unnecessary and the constant use of the phrase "mad bastard" in it was just plain inaccurate.

I grabbed him by the neck bashed his head against the desk and proceeded to tippex his pupils and staple his ears to drawing pins which I then pinned to sellatape, which I super glued to the wall. I then growled, "Change the grade on the paper you mad bastard or else they'll be more pain and I'll advise the makers of Coronation Street to make an serial killer character look just like him."

Needless to say that was one school assembly no one forgot, except Clarky as he was stoned out of his hippy mind and Pobice who was set to receive a 100% attendance award so naturally didn't bother to turn up.

I even write about the teritrifying horiffications of my time in the army.

The evil General Chang Sauerkrautauser told me to tell him where the microfilm was or else he would add more lobsters to the electrified ice cold water bath which had not been cleaned which he had put me in. He didn't count on my kung fu training though and I chopped him to the neck then kicked his bodyguards out of the window, who then exploded. I then picked up an M-16 and shot my way out I must have killed at least 64 and a half men and 2 donkeys.

I then proceeded to the presidential palace and found Saddam in his bedroom enjoying a belly dance from top pop star Alisson Moyet. I roared "Get your knickers on love and get in the kitchen and make me some pies, Saddy and me need to talk."

I then plunged my mighty fist into Saddam's gut and ripped out his liver holding it up long enough so he could see me pour copious amounts of watermelon flavoured Bacardi Breezer into his hepatic artery, And then proceeded to reinsert it sewing up the wound with a double cross stitch and then chuckled as he died of painful liver disease.

Unfortunate as I enjoyed Moyet's pie she informed me that I had just assassinated one of Saddam's body doubles; the TV star and comedy puppeteer Bob Carolgees.

Yes unbelievable brilliant tales of truth, yes truth and beauty in many ways. The stories I tell will enrich your life and may even help those with similar experiences as myself. I believe the benefits make the price a real bargain at £24.99 yes just enough that you could steal it from your mums purse without her noticing, and well worth sacrificing other luxuries like food or little Jimmy's brain medicine for it.

If that doesn't convince you or the subliminal messages in this advert then my incredabulous times in the Latin thrash metal band "El Buerro Acapulco' will:

I remember on our '99 "Buerro in the Hole" Tour we used to invite hot girls (and some that'd be alright after a few pints) on stage whilst we performed our song "Feed the education minister her own balls" and smear them in jelly babies and Bistro gravy. Then during the glockenspiel solo I'd used to sneak a couple of them (the ones that hadn't been violently sick [can you be gently sick?]) under the stage and then I'd fondle them with my muscular elbows and furthermore pull out my humongous............

So to hear the full story and find the truly true truth that it is oh yes it is send money to me and buy my autobiography, rather than just wait for the inevitable channel 5 adaptations that will surely come.

You Can contact me at businessman@pobice.co.uk

Stay Tuned - General's reply coming next month. If you would like to be emailed when this happens sign up to the goblin rag