August 2005

Yes I'm back with another poorly constructed ch5 quality sitcom episode (Yes it is as good as Joey!)

It has been years since a Businessman report. Which is surprising considering I've done very little recently, what with being unemployed and done even less whilst being at university, but I finally decided to contribute my valuable time on writing another masterpiece so that we can increase the ad money, give something for the General's Babylon 5 allegedly influenced characters to nuke and also keep my executive writers position in tact( you see I've got a whole section for my epics whilst you ranters have to mess around pasting it all from word into add a rant section HA!).

So cue the usual formulaic ripped off gags, jokes that the few regular visitors to Pobice will recognise and the lack of any character background or descriptions. Mainly I don't do the character descriptions so I'm not sued for all my ad money (27p) and so I don't get all the corrective complaints from people who the characters may allegedly  be allegedly based on such as; “I'm a lot taller”,  “it's strawberry blonde”, “ I actually have three of those” etc.

CSI: BATLEY

SCENE 1: OUTSIDE LEGENDS NIGHTCLUB, BATLEY

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Looks like some maniac caved his head in with his big chopper.

Detective Inspector General E Good: No I think a more sinister method was used.

Bad Lieutenant Kipling:But look he's obviously lying their in a pool of blood with a big hatchet sticking out of his skull.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Whatever the case it appears someone had an axe to grind!

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:For Gods sake!? A man is lying dead, he probably had a mother and a father or maybe two dads or two mums or perhaps a step dad a dad and a mum or maybe a dad a father and a mum or an “uncle”, mum and test tube. Either way how can you make awful puns when a life has been lost so needlessly?

Detective Inspector General E Good: Well...erm . . .  we need some way to lead into the big intro of the show with the credits and flashy shots of town with a song from “The Who” playing over it.

Cut to big flashy credits with Pin ball Wizard played over glossy neon lit scenes of the glamorous landscape of  Batley, with it's delicious landmarks such as the almighty Fox's Biscuit factory and the classy Frontier)

SCENE 2: BATLEY MORGUE

Detective Inspector General E Good:Well Doctor what have you established?

Doctor Professor Green: Well from the subject's broad shoulders, slumping brow and prominent neck gland thing I say the subject was male.

Detective Inspector General E Good: Really?

Doctor Professor Green:Oh and he has a cock.

Detective Inspector General E Good: Please don't baffle me with your technical terms.

Doctor Professor Green:He has a knob!

Detective Inspector General E Good:Eh?

Doctor Professor Green:Never mind. I've identified him as Shaun Vinegar apparently he's a John Lennon impersonator. Anyway it's a simple case of someone slapping his big fat chopper down on his head.

Detective Inspector General E Good:That joke was already made.

Doctor Professor Green:Aw I never get to do double entendres, it's always “kill this”, “mince those” and “meths that”

Detective Inspector General E Good: I see you also cut off his left leg put it through a mincer doused it in meths and poured the remains into a martini glass.

Doctor Professor Green sighs.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Was this to establish the possibility of a hypoglycaemic tetrahydioxide toxic allergic reaction?

Doctor Professor Green: No. I just wanted to do something while waiting for Neighbours to come on. Hey did you see that Toadie called Sky a dag, Harold spilled some tea and Lou had a three-way with a kangaroo and Stefan “Don't it make you feel good!” Dennis?!

Detective Inspector General E Good puts his hands on his ears.

Detective Inspector General E Good: No! Don't tell me! Damn I hate you mid-afternoon Neighbours viewers you spoil it for us late afternoon viewers who actually have jobs. Anyway are you sure he was instantly killed by a blow to the head.

Doctor Professor Green:What do I look like some kind of amateur? I didn't get my morgue guy degree out of a Christmas cracker you know. I had to search the internet, print it out and everything. It's a cut and dry case.

Detective Inspector General E Good:That's what you said about the “Apparent Vicious Pagan Monkey Sacrifice of Brian McClusky”.

Doctor Professor Green:Yeah and I was right.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Oh! Well I'm still defiant that the cause of death was something else. I believe he was probably still alive after the blade severed his medulla oblongata, spine, pierced his heart, lungs and several nerve endings. He was probably killed as part of some sort of conspiracy.

Doctor Professor Green:That's it no more methylated leg remains for you!

SCENE 3: CSI: BATLEY COMPUTER ROOM

Detective Inspector General E Good:So what can you determine from the CCTV?

Constable Master Puppet Master: As you can see this nutter in a hoodie here comes across and whacks him with his enormous big fat wet chopp..

Detective Inspector General E Good: Yes, yes, yes and what else?

Constable Master Puppet Master:Well that's it basically he died from a massive blow to his head.

Constable Master Puppet Master chuckles.

Detective Inspector General E Good:For crying out loud is everyone here just obsessed with 1970s bawdy British sex comedies?

Constable Master Puppet Master: Well Chief Sergeant Darth Clarky is more of a Russ Meyer fan.  

Detective Inspector General E Good:You're all sex mad!! That's it you don't get to do the eulogy at my cop funeral two days before my retirement to Fiji to own a white picket fence Emu farm. You'll probably just make rude jokes about me being “a stiffy”.

Constable Master Puppet Master:Yeah well I'm not going to let you do my eulogy. You'll probably just ruin it by declaring you gay love through the works of W H Auden.

Detective Inspector General E Good:How dare you! You know when I profess gay love I quote Kipling!

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Yeah I've got a great poem about Caterpillars which has a homo-erotic undertone.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Whatever lets get back to the CCTV, Don't you see any other sinister characters? Aliens? Gunmen on grassy nulls? Flags that are flapping despite the obvious lack of atmosphere?

Constable Master Puppet Master: Aww come on Legends has an atmosphere .......of sorts.

Detective Inspector General E Good: Wait! Can you zoom into the background by 34 mm and to a 341 mega pixel resolution gradient?

Constable Master Puppet Master: Yes I can but I'll need soft neon lighting and groovy chillout music.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Okay if were going to have a montage then I'm back off to the crime scene to look around all intense.

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Yeah and I'll go to the crime lab and stare intensively at a bit of dust I found under the victim's fingernail.

ALL: YEAH!!!

Cue a big sexy musical montage. I could probably describe it fluidly, vividly and outstandingly, but instead I'll assume you all have seen CSI and have some sort of idea what I'm on about. Come on I'm sure you have seen one CSI show. You probably have caught one accidentally whilst waiting for Burlesque Girls or Real Sex to come on you filthy pervy wasters.

SCENE 4: CSI: BATLEY CONFERENCE ROOM

Detective Inspector General E Good:Okay so did you scientifically digitally enhance the tape Constable Master?

Constable Master Puppet Master shows the tape.

Constable Master Puppet Master: As you can see I cleaned up the picture and stuck a few stormtroopers and ewoks in the background.

Detective Inspector General E Good: Hmm and look, do you recognise that blonde, full red lipped, voluptuous woman in the white dress whose skirt is being blown up by the wind?

Constable Master Puppet Master: Erm . . . . . . Marilyn Monroe?

Detective Inspector General E Good:Hmm now it all makes sense. She faked her own death in the 60's with the help of the alumnati and the Moscow mafia, then her connection with the Saudi royal family would have enabled her to get cryo-freeze technology allowing her to remain in deep sleep for 40 years and retain her movie star looks so she could then plan a plot on Shaun Vinegar local milkman and part time John Lennon impersonator and runner up on the second heat of series five of “Stars in their Eyes”. Shaun of course being the secret son of the secret lovechild of JFK and Doris Day. No doubt using her knowledge of diamonds and saxophone players she used the best gems and her alluring features to seduce a top jazz player to kill Shaun by playing a particularly high notes as he walked by, the frequency of which ruptured his ear drums and imploded his brain.

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Right...... But what about the big chopper slapped on his head?

The Lieutenant and Constable snigger childishly.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Well as the great Sherlock Holmes said, “If everything else has been ruled out, even werewolves then the improbable no matter how improbable must be true. Now Watson get me a cup of tea, no lemon though this tine you fucking idiot. Do you remember what happened last time? I was in hospital for a week you bastard!”

Constable Master Puppet Master:So?

Detective Inspector General E Good: So what is the most improbable thing that could have happened?

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Roger de Coevesy and Nookie bear attacked him for jelly babies?

Detective Inspector General E Good:Yes! His axing is just an accidental coincidence that didn't really kill him just left him with minor injuries; it is Monroe and her evil conspiracy that is the truth.

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:You do know that Legends has a fake model of Marilyn Monroe.

Detective Inspector General E Good:What?!

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Yeah it's just a model to indicate that they're called legends and the top” Hollywood” club of Batley.

Detective Inspector General E Good: What?!

Constable Master Puppet Master:Yes they also have an Elvis statue, but then again maybe it's a fake and it actually came to life and killed the victim by use of his mind alone.

The Constable giggles.

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Yeah and perhaps that fake Hollywood sign is actually an agent of Sauron evil high Lord of Mordor.

The Lieutenant snickers.

Detective Inspector General E Good:I see your mocking me.......... as usual. Well “If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowances for their doubting too.......... Yours is the earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a man, my son!”

Constable Master Puppet Master: Look I'm flattered and everything but I bat for the other team.

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling: Kent?

Constable Master Puppet Master:Mind your language!

Detective Inspector General E Good:No look. I'm saying you all doubt my theory but you'll see it's true.

Constable Master Puppet Master:Sir, with respect, firstly this is Batley we don't have conspiracies, we have simple crimes GBH, drunk and disorderly, public indecency...........

Mr Square Ball Knob Cock V.C:Yeah sorry about that.

Constable Master Puppet Master:Secondly this is a crap British police show. And like all Brit shows (except things like the Sweeney, Cracker and Conviction etc which some nit picking ranter bastard will mention) the plots are all linear, the characters are one dimensional.....

Mr Square Ball Knob Cock V.C stands to one side naked apart from a tea cosy on his left elbow.

Mr Square Ball Knob Cock V.C:Hello.

Constable Master Puppet Master:.......and the budget is small..........

Mr Square Ball Knob Cock V.C: Yeah they wanted Neff for this part, the RADA attending fuck!

Constable Master Puppet Master:This is not like U.S cop shows, they have top actors who used to be in Hollywood films like Full Metal Jacket and Manhunter. They have millions of dollars for special effects and complicated murder plots like people being poisoned by lady sushi tables, or stabbed by the nurse at their hospital who bought their baby when they were a junkie..

Detective Inspector General E Good:But it makes no sense.....

Constable Master Puppet Master: Yes I know but that's the way things are. This is Batley, we don't have such things. You've got to get such frivolous grandiose ideas out of your head and stick to what we do best.

Detective Inspector General E Good:Fine motorists!

Constable Master Puppet Master: Yes. Now lets' get out there and persecute law abiding middle class folk!

Detective Inspector General E Good:But what about the murder?

Constable Master Puppet Master:Again we'll do what the British police always do. Find the first Asian Youth and torture him until he confesses.

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:Oh right!!! I get to use the electrodes this time!!

Doctor Professor Green:Yeah! And I'll mince some part of him!

Detective Inspector General E Good:Okay! Lets' go!

Just then the doors burst open and Agent Pobice Elf Goblin and WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon enter.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Not so fast! I'm a federal agent!

Detective Inspector General E Good:Federal?!

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:You didn't really think they'd listen to those French and Dutch votes did you? HA! Now listen we're here to investigate a very hideous abhorrent attempt at situation comedy!!!

WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon:Yeah this is a bust!

Bad Lieutenant Mr Kipling:It certainly is and quite a nice one too W P C!

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Silence fool!  The WPC is highly trained in standing at my side, saying nothing and being wowed by my deft detective work and clever psychological mind games. So show some respect!

WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon:Yeah!

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Quiet you!

Cue a funny plink plonk sound and a sign pops up saying Law and Order: Spoof Comedy Unit: Now again I'm going to assume despite the Sunday Times culture saying only around 1.2million people watch Law and Order that we have cultured informed individuals and slimy creeps who again have seen part of an episode whilst waiting  for their soft porn TV movie, Sunset Beach or Love Boat fix and so expect that you know what I'm talking about.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin: Yes! We believe a spoof cop shows going on around here and seeing as that Paki we fried for 3 hours wouldn't fess up we're fingering you for the crime.

General E Good:You can finger me all you like you'll never make anything sticky . . . er . . . I mean stick I'm just a simple General.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Oh yeah well I think your all guilty of a police spoof and if so you'll go to prison for 547 years.

Professor Green: Pah! You lie.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Oh really well have any of you seen any of the cast of Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow recently?

Mr Kipling: Er. No.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:That's because there all doing time! Muhhaaha. In fact at this very moment Tackleberrys' probably being bummed by Charles Bronson no doubt! Imagine that eh, it's easy if you try.

Puppet Master:Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!1

General E Good:Good grief! They're all in jail?

WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon:Well Hightower got away to a country with which we have no extradition treaty.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Silence you! Your only suppose to stand beside me look pretty and only chirp in to remind the audience of the plot now and again.

WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon cowers.

WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon:Yes sir.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Now watch as I use my clever psychobabble technique to ensnare them. Ahem, guilty people say what?

General E Good:Pardon?

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Damn you decent upbringing! Anyway your all under arrest we have strong evidence on you. Some of which we didn't plant!  Yes I can't wait to bang you all up! Yes pull out my big truncheon, cuff you and bang you all!

Professor Green:No you've got it all wrong this isn't a spoof police show. It's.its......a Bawdy British sex comedy!!!

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Pah! And double pah! You lie!

Mr Kipling:No it is. Erm.phwoar missus look at those big boobies!

Puppet Master covers his chest.

Puppet Master: Hey! Do you mind not staring?

Professor Green:Yes don't you see we've gone on about big choppers throughout the text! And you yourself since coming on have gone on about “truncheons” and “banging up”

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:That's a wallop of cods your talking this isn't nothing like a Bawdy British sex comedy!

General E Good: No it is! See I'm the token camp character. “Oooooh shut that door.......ermNorman Lamont....... nice to see you nice!”

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Well you may have read some gay Kipling poetry. But I'm still not convinced as we all know that Shakespeare is the poet of bawdy British sex comedy. Added to that no one in this episode has had a custard pie in their face or an embarrassing injury to their bottom.

WPC Pink Puce Serpent Dragon: It all seems to fit sir. I mean in Ball Cock I can see a slight resemblance to Bernard Bresslaw.

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Could you kindly keep your eye line above the suspects waste WPC?

Clarky enters.

Clarky:Sorry I'm late with the doughnuts guys, I got into a muddle at the bakers. They had this new bird serving and then......

SCENE 5: CLARKYS SENSATIONAL BAKERS FLASHBACK

Clarky:Alright love nice buns!

Bird:I beg your pardon!

Clarky: I mean nice cakes. Put some in a bag for me will you.

Bird:Would you like a nice bit of crumpet?

Clarky:Phwoar would I? Oh and can I feel your baps?

Bird:Pardon!

Clarky:Erm . . . I just want to check the quality of your bread. I mean I like a bit of foccacia

Bird:You'd like to fuck a catcher?

Clarky:No......although Alec Stewart.......er. I mean no anyway, I've got the cream horn.

Bird:Perv!

Clarky: No. I've got this cream cake I want to buy as well. Oh and do you have any broken biscuits?

Bird: Yeah loads I'm a right clumsy bitch. Do you want anything else?

Clarky: Tart?

Bird:What are you trying to say?

Clarky:No! I want an apple tart. Oh and I'll have some Madeira.

Bird:If you want any BSE infected venison you'll have to go to the butchers.

Clarky:Not mad deer! Madeira cake you deaf cow!

Bird:Oh right! And do you want some of these chocolate fudge bars?

Clarky:I don't like brownies.

Bird:Racialist!

Clarky:No! The cakes! Really! Must everything I say be misconstrued like some Two Ronnies sketch or raunchy British comedy for instance?

Bird: You want to be doused in treacle and bull whipped by a ginger Spaniard dressed in a suit of armour?

Clarky:Flipping 'eck I'm off! You're bonkers!

Bird:Look out for that spilt jam......

Clarky:Aaaaaaaaaaargggghhhhh......

Clarky slips on custard and lands face first into a big creamy custard pie, then smashes through some double doors down some stairs into the cellar where he falls painfully on his bum and bashes his head on a pipe which leaks water all over him.

Clarky:Aww blooming eck!

SCENE 6: NOT CSI BATLEY.

Clarky:So to cut a long story short we fell in love, Sid James had a dirty laugh and Phil Silvers phoned in his performance

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:That's pure deceit! You in love?!?!?

Clarky:“If this be an error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.”

Agent Pobice Elf Goblin:Tsk!!! I see that this truly is a bawdy British sex comedy. Well anyway we better be off we've got Lenny Henry to arrest that cunning spoof comedy genius usurping bastard.

THE END

If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this Businessman report then you may like to phone this helpline.

0968 54566468465136 55532698765456.0

Or you could just get over it you little bitch.

You Can contact me at businessman@pobice.co.uk