The Sick Christmasman

Yes I too celebrate Christmas even though many say I'm Scrooge. Making People work building Whale aircraft carriers on Christmas Day for £3.60 per hour (24 hrs). I'd say it is fun. I don't go round either saying "Bah, humbug!" As they work on my ideas, I enjoy Christmas Day in my Millionaires Mansion with a bevy of beauties, drinks and food galore. Opening presents such as Brown sauce Christmas pudding, from Kristian Rowan, the time-bomb from the General, mould, pence and fur from the three insane men and many more including threats from the Goblin because I have not written Januarys Business Man's Report yet.

I too, being so generous, give presents ... but I'm not using any of my wealth. So to earn Christmas money I decided to become a store Santa at Harrods. Here are my experiences there:

Santa: - HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO (* 1000 "PSYCHOTICALLY") Hello little boy. Don't I know you from some where?

Boy: - No.

Santa: - HOHOHOHO. What is your name?

Boy: - General ... er ... Gertrude.

Santa: - So you need a new name eh? HOHOHOHO!

Gertrude: - Yes how about I distract I mean entertain you with one of my japes,

Q, What sneaks around at Christmas?

A, Mince Spies.

DEATHLY SILENCE, GRIM REAPER WALKS PAST

Grim Reaper: - I'd like to take the General for Christmas.

Gertrude: - Now wait a minute, he's not that bad and Mr. G.R hasn't exactly been very good.

Santa: - Granted he missed out Fidel Castro, Sadman Hussain and General Pinochet, but I'm hardly going to stop Death. Anyway the General is an idiotic, egotistic madman. He believes that Babylon 5 is not only real but also good. He thinks he is a great leader of men, but he could not lead a compass to the North Pole. He says he can organize enormous counter strikes but he couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery, a bunfight in a bakery or an orgy in a brothel.. oh he actually has done that last year at his Christmas party I went to, ops.

Gertrude :- How dare you! DIE!DIE!DIE.

Santa :- Oh isn't that nice giving me a machete for Christmas.

Gertrude :- I'm trying to kill you ...

Santa :- Oh you are a joker here is a present for you, in return for the £1,000,000 machete; handle hand carved by Tibetan monks by the wood from there Holy Tree, and steel from the finest Samuaei sword makers, made in the 12th century. I give you in return a cheap kinder Surprise toy and a little book with a story about Nellie the Dog. Goodbye.

Gertrude :- But I...I...

Santa :- No need to thank me, now run along. Oh he's forgotten his grenade ... Gertrude catch! Oops I've left the pin out accidentally on purpose!

Grim Reaper :- Looks like Christmas has come early for me.

BOTH OF US LAUGH OUT LOUD FOR HALF AN HOUR.

Santa : - So who's next.

Kenny :- MM. mmm mmmn mmmmm!

Santa : - HOHOHO you do want a lot don't you?

Kenny : - Mmn mmn mmn mmmm

Santa : - Those types of things are for adults only!

Kenny : - Hmmn mnn dmm emm om aum!

Santa : - Yes that was the Grim Reaper just then.

Kenny : - Um mmm!

Santa : - Don't worry about it. He's only doing a bit of shopping, and popped over here when he heard of a really bad joke. I had the Easter Bunny here earlier on.

Kenny : - Mmn num daum fflum.

Santa : - What do you mean I'm not really Santa. Eh? You git you want a piece of me? I'll take you on I'll take you all on I'm the most powerful man in the world, hohohohohoho and ho. Here check my beard.

Kenny : - Hmm! Phum mnnem. (Tugs beard.)

Santa : - Yeah it is real!

Kenny : - Hmm dum am, gam blmm. Hee hee hee!

Santa : - Yes it's not as if someone would be insane enough to get so engrossed with this job that they actually believed they were Santa. So then supper gluing white hair (from the cat from the James Bond films) eh?

Kenny : - Hmm dmm sllm ssan.

Santa : - Doing that would be unrepairable! Oh my God! Well anyway goodbye. Hey Kenny look its my friend "Gertrude" on that stretcher, with the drip, dialysis and breathing machine. Look out he has got a gun!

(Boom, Bang, Kerrang, Biff, Bosh, Plop)

Santa : - Oh my God he killed ... the Grim Reaper! You b#stard!

Word of the day (this week from Kenny)

Kenny : - Mfflem!!!

Santa : - That's disgusting Kenny. Yo dirty little boy.

Yes I bet you were not expecting that. Anyway send all your ideas, seasons greetings and Christmas lists to:

Dr Nick Riviera's Super glue removal clinic,

Beverly Hills

U.S.A

Or email business_man@usa.net

AND TO RESPOND TO CHRISTMASMANS REPORT:
GENERAL E. GOOD - OUR CHEIF CRITIC


General E Good at Christmas

This is a festival of good cheer is I will not Insult (well not much) the Sick Businessman.

I had a visit from the Carol Singers today, they were so sweet I barely had the heart to slam my door in their faces, but I did. Just because its Christmas does not mean I should turn soft, others do, they have roasted Chestnuts over an open fire, what did I have when I was little? A sultana and a match! Some people had a white Christmas and happy snowball fights, but the only snowballs that came my way had bricks in them, BRICKS! And sleigh rides? I had my ankles chained to a bus. Santa never visited me, in the nativity I was always a sheep and was terrified that there might be a welsh man in the audience.

Now I spend Christmas alone in my Bunker, My staff are at home and last year my dog got its tongue stuck to a jet fighter undercarriage and I never saw it again. So enjoy Christmas, and if you see an old man, looking at the stars without a penny, ignore him. I do every year, I hate my dad! And so should you.

Oh, and if you see the Sick Businessman, ask if he knows about the truce between the British and German forces at Christmas in 1914. If he does tell him I'll thrash him at football anytime and if not, kick him in the nuts for me.

Merry Christmas wherever you are.

Feel free to E-mail me at: - generalegood@usa.net

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